Top 6 Universal Orlando Attractions That Deserve to Die
In order to complete Universal Studios Florida's makeover, there are some experiences that need to be cut – some ASAP.
Last decade, two remarkable, history-defining events happened to Universal: it opened The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, drawing its biggest-ever crowds (and profit margins) the entire globe over, and Comcast purchased its parent company, NBCUniversal, ushering in a new era of management that appreciated what the theme parks could do financially – a development the cable giant never saw coming when it first sat down to acquire what it saw only as a collection of TV networks and a film studio.
What this meant for Universal Orlando, specifically, was another unprecedented event: the chance to revisit the resort’s first park, Universal Studios Florida, and systemically go from one attraction to the next, phasing out the older ones and replacing them with newer experiences that, at least in theory, would be more palatable to modern audiences, including technical specifications and intellectual properties that would have more cache. In this way, Jimmy Neutron’s Nicktoon Blast bowed out for Despicable Me: Minion Mayhem in 2012; Transformers: The Ride – 3D replaced a mostly unused building while The Simpsons Ride got a full expansion into a complete Simpsons-themed land in ’13; Jaws made way for the myriad magical experiences of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter – Diagon Alley in ’14; the NBC Media Center filled in a neglected corner of the park in ’15; Twister: Ride It Out folded for Race through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon in ’17; both Beetlejuice’s Graveyard Revue and Disaster: A Major Motion Picture Ride… Starring You got the boot for Fast & Furious – Supercharged, and the chronologically challenged Cinematic Spectacular: 100 Years of Movie Memories finally got updated to Cinematic Celebration in ’18; Terminator 2 3D: Battle across Time became terminated for The Bourne Stuntacular in ’20; and, most recently, A Day in the Park with Barney went extinct for DreamWorks Destination just this summer.
(Yes, all of this doesn’t take into account the slew of supplemental materials that also arrived during this stretch, ranging from Universal’s first-ever daily parade, the Superstar Parade, to such street shows as Beat Builders to the retail likes of the Williams of Hollywood prop shop. Universal really has been busy over the past nine years!)
A huge component of this park-wide metamorphosis was the updating of Universal Studios’s very mandate, going from a theme park that did double duty as a working film backlot to being a straight-up, Disneyland-esque affair that left all production concerns aside. This means that such initially major elements as Nickelodeon Studios and the Production Tour have been exchanged for rides that can exist out in the open (as opposed to being hidden away behind soundstage facades) and, even, entire lands that are fully detailed and immersive experiences (like Springfield, USA: Home of the Simpsons and, of course, Diagon Alley). In both breadth and depth, then, Universal Orlando’s original stomping grounds are almost wholly different.
Despite all this, however, the work of resolutely replacing Universal Studios Florida’s various experiences remains incomplete – and as the years continue to tick by, and as the theming bar continues to be raised, its sister park of Islands of Adventure increasingly falls into this needs-to-be-updated category, as well (even though work has already commenced here, including such fine additions as Skull Island: Reign of Kong, Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure, and the just-opened Jurassic World VelociCoaster). Why not prioritize all the remaining attractions, then, and break down the six that most desperately need to be on the chopping block in order to continue NBCUniversal and Comcast’s red-hot evolutionary streak?
6. Woody Woodpecker’s KidZone
Location: Woody Woodpecker’s KidZone, Universal Studios Florida
Year opened: 1999
Yes, this one’s a cheat, given that Woody Woodpecker’s KidZone is a full theme-park land as opposed to an individual ride, but, in full candor, it’s simply unjustifiable to pick almost any of the area’s five attractions and argue it’s individually more or less worthy for termination than any of its brethren. This is partially because of the outdated source material the experiences are fashioned from (we’re talking about the likes of An American Tail and the titular woodpecker – even though Curious George is still in the midst of a television revival), and even more so the result of the (comparatively) low level of theming to be found here, which increasingly sticks out in a park that is ever more embracing of outright immersion.
With all of that said, however, there are a few factors that mitigate against KidZone’s elimination and, therefore, bump it to the very bottom of the replacement list. Arguably the most antiquated property of them all, Barney & Friends, ended its 26-year run earlier this year, and its successor, DreamWorks Destination, is rife with characters that are still very much active in the popular culture (though the glorified meet-and-greet can’t help but give the impression of being a temporary placeholder, whether this is actually the case or not). The experiences themselves, no matter their thematic trappings, are actually quite fun for children (and adults alike) – particularly the play areas of Fievel’s Playland and Curious George Goes to Town. And, finally, two of the attractions here are none other than the classic and much-beloved ET Adventure and Animal Actors on Location, which are only a few of the opening-day elements left over in all of Universal Studios Florida (don’t worry – these two could be salvaged from a land-wide makeover, especially considering that ET has already had its entrance rerouted once for the very same purpose).
5. Poseidon’s Fury
Location: The Lost Continent, Islands of Adventure
Year opened: 1999
There is a certain old-school, cheesy quality to Poseidon’s Fury, thanks in part to its narrative delivery (which is filled with the likes of Lord Darkanon, a generic villain to the real-world Poseidon) and in part to its walk-through nature (an increasing rarity in today’s industry, for better or worse). This has garnered the attraction something of a cult status, and the sheer level of theming that can be found at times throughout its duration certainly helps seal that deal – especially its massively impressive façade, which, unfortunately, also sets up expectations that can’t possibly be matched by the contents inside.
When one pauses to consider just what Universal Creative, the design arm of the company, could do with The Lost Continent’s general premise of ancient mythology when combined with its bigger-than-ever budgets and greater-than-ever expertise, she must get giddy with the sheer potential. Imagine a set-up as impressive as Skull Island: Reign of Kong’s, a ride mechanic as outright fun as Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey’s, or a spectacle that is as technically immaculate as The Bourne Stuntacular’s – it would not only finally live up to the land’s theme, it would also help to make it a must-stop destination for guests as they make their way to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter – Hogsmeade and the brand-new Jurassic World VelociCoaster just beyond it. (After having been stripped of much of its real estate and attractions both, Lost Continent today, unfortunately, has as its premier experience Mythos, a restaurant. It’s no wonder that many continue to predict that this particular corner of Islands of Adventure isn’t going to last – a real pity if its demise ever came to pass.)
4. Men in Black: Alien Attack
Location: World Expo, Universal Studios Florida
Year opened: 2000
Men in Black: Alien Attack may be a fan favorite at Universal Orlando Resort – attempting to attain a max score on this shoot-‘em-up ride is something akin to a crusade for many, particularly annual passholders – but that doesn’t mask the attraction’s ailing infrastructure or its rather limited experience.
The current MIB situation works a little like this: the blasters that guests use to zap all sorts of alien invaders are hit-and-miss (no pun intended) in terms of their accuracy, and even when one does manage to nab a fully operational seat, the theming he is surrounded with still comes across as comparatively barebones; in an era when Hagrid’s Magical Creatures Motorbike Adventure blends real-world environments and practical effects almost seamlessly, or, even, Race through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon provides a reconsideration of what a queue can – and should – be, Alien Attack’s overall effect is, simply, lacking.
There would be, of course, a number of elements that would be sorely missed should this ride ever be shuffled off this theme-park coil, including its “The Universe and You” preshow, the Immigration Tour (a behind-the-scenes walk-through), and the Will Smith-fueled, ‘90s-powered post-ride musical celebration. But there is a natural, inevitable rebuff to all these: neither the preshow nor the tour is regularly offered, and Smith’s rapping career should be allowed to finally rest in peace. Additionally, there’s something to be said for a newer, deeper attraction that is still cartoony or otherwise lighthearted in nature; Universal Studios Hollywood’s Secret Life of Pets: Off the Leash transforms its passengers, in real time, into cute and cuddly dogs, for instance, while Disney California Adventure’s Web Slingers: A Spider-Man Adventure offers a novel, upgradeable take on Men in Black’s shooter format. There is much room for improvement and expansion on these fronts – and more.
3. Shrek 4D
Location: Production Central, Universal Studios Florida
Year opened: 2003
Being a standard 4D movie – that is, 3D film footage married with some in-theater special effects – Shrek 4D is, by its very nature, an experience that is rather limited in its scope and which has lost some of its luster since the likes of Muppet Vision 3D first arrived at Disney’s Hollywood Studios three decades ago. The attraction certainly isn’t helped by the noisy – and continuous – implementation of its pneumatic seats, or by the fact that its footage can be found in a myriad of other venues, including Netflix (the DreamWorks Spooky Stories collection), DVD (the special features of the first movie’s release), comic books (a Dark Horse miniseries), and, even, a television broadcast (it aired on Nickelodeon in 2007).
It’s easy to sound dismissive of Shrek 4D, and the attraction absolutely deserves to be on the theme-park chopping block, but there are actually some notable elements that not only stick out when assessing its place in Universal history, but also which will need to be carried forward in whatever would ultimately replace it. The huge emphasis on quality storytelling and, what’s more, humor is much needed, especially considering how both permeate every single aspect of the experience, from its signage to the way in which team members interact with the audience. Just how Shrek 4D manages to directly connect with – and advance the narrative of – its source material is also quite impressive and instructive (it effectively acts as Shrek 1.5, bridging the events of the first and second films in the series), putting even Harry Potter and the Escape from Gringotts to shame.
But there’s an additional benefit to excising the attraction, one that helps to put it so high on the replacement list: it could take the Meet Shrek, Donkey, and Friends character experience along with it, freeing up even more space in the next-door building for even more expansions. (Don’t worry – the Shrek cast could still make the rounds at Universal Studios Florida as walkabout meet-‘n-greets, just as what happened to Beetlejuice after he lost his dedicated stage show, and they could continue to be one of the headlining acts of the annual Holiday Parade.)
2. Fear Factor Live
Location: World Expo, Universal Studios Florida
Year opened: 2005
In 2005, the idea of doing a new stage show that incorporated stunts was a shrewd move, as Universal had closed its almost-opening-day Wild Wild Wild West Stunt Show two years previously, and the idea of theming it to Fear Factor, a popular television series, was even surer, given that NBC and Universal had just merged in ’04. The icing on the theme-park cake was the fact that Fear Factor Live would, in a somewhat novel twist, brandish audience participation – guests were recruited to become the contestants in the various stunts, including some interstitial ones that featured such niceties as sticking your head in a box full of creepy-crawlies.
Unfortunately, these are the only sort-of generous comments that can be leveled at the production; despite its gross-out progenitor, Universal’s show ended up becoming a rather tame affair, one that loses its luster after just one viewing (and considering that Fear Factor Live is at least nominally still in place, 16 years later, that’s an extremely unfortunate turn of events). With limited guest appeal and an extraordinarily large footprint, the attraction has become more of a hindrance than a boon, preventing Universal Studios Florida from realizing a lot more of its new, more engrossing potential. (Even the cross-branding has become torpid, with the NBC Media Center, NBC Sports Grill & Brew, Race through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon, and Today Café all following in the show’s footsteps – and in much grander fashion, to boot.)
And consider this corollary: should both Men in Black: Alien Attack and Fear Factor Live be cut, it would allow Universal to wipe the land of World Expo off the map completely and start over anew, just as what happened when Jaws made way for Harry Potter. Considering what could follow in the footsteps of the Wizarding World or Springfield, USA should make even the most casual of theme-park fan positively delirious with excitement.
1. Fast & Furious – Supercharged
Location: San Francisco, Universal Studios Florida
Year opened: 2018
Some sort of redeeming quality, no matter how much of a stretch, can be granted for each and every entry on this list thus far. Alas, this is not the case with the last, Fast & Furious – Supercharged.
Well, scratch that – there is one. Universal Studios Florida’s newest ride features a sprawling, detailed queue, one that comes packed with copious Easter eggs (both to the originating film franchise and to other Universal attractions) and, even, some live-action performances, which have become an extreme rarity for the resort over the past decade or two. (Even with this said, however, could the meticulous recreation of the Fast & Furious world stack up to those of Harry Potter’s in Escape from Gringotts or Despicable Me’s in Minion Mayhem? The answer, sadly, is a resounding no – unless you happen to be the biggest Fast fan in the world, perhaps.)
Supercharged’s ride experience cannot, unfortunately, be granted any such kindnesses – best described as a shallow, shambling mess, it is the rare misstep for a Universal Creative that has been on something of a roll ever since 2010’s Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey. And while such mistakes can be forgiven, they still need to be rectified, as quickly as humanly possible, especially when considering the following: Fast & Furious took up the real estate of two previous attractions, making its price exorbitantly high; it now constitutes the sole ride in San Francisco, rendering this area of the theme park an afterthought for most visitors; it works against Universal’s big evolutionary push over the past nine years, undercutting its new argument for its oldest Orlando park; and although Supercharged was one of the very first attractions announced for the soon-to-open (and absolutely mammoth) Universal Studios Beijing, it has since been quietly removed from the roster.
If that isn’t the surest admission of guilt – and clearest reason for change – then nothing is.
You know I agree with everything on this list, but one. 😂